


I'll Love You Long After You're Gone

by LifeInAColorWheel



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming-of-age, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Alec, M/M, Magnus/Alec - Freeform, Malec, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 14:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6244123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LifeInAColorWheel/pseuds/LifeInAColorWheel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec did it every night. Every morning. After every shower. Each birthday. Checking for grey hairs and new lines on his face to verify his fear that one day, he would no longer be young. And Magnus didn’t know if he could handle that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Love You Long After You're Gone

“Happy birthday!” Magnus said, coming up behind Alec. He pressed a kiss to Alec’s cheek, then moved away from him so he could look at him from the side. “How does it feel?”

Alec didn’t answer right away. He was staring into the mirror, his hands at his sides. His mouth appeared as a flat line, turned down at the corners and Magnus thought his eyes were glazed. 

“I’m thirty,” Alec answered.

“The big 3-0,” Magnus confirmed, doing his best to not look him in the eye. He knew where Alec was taking this; the same way that every one of Alec’s birthdays ended.

Alec raised his hands to his hair. He pulled through it, combing it back. It seemed like a normal thing to do, especially after a shower. Though, Magnus already knew what he was doing. 

Alec did it every night. Every morning. After every shower. Each birthday. Checking for grey hairs. And lines on his face to verify his fear that one day, he would no longer be young. And Magnus didn’t know if he could handle that. 

Magnus sat on the bed so that his back was turned away from Alec. 

He heard a small sound, as though Alec were choking. He let out a guttural sound, appearing as though it had been ripped from his throat. “Magnus,” He managed. “I found one.”

Magnus came up behind him, wrapping an arm around him as though he had crashed into him with every sense of loss and hope and love and sadness that he had acquired over the years. 

Alec was letting out sudden, pained noises that sounded like a cross between frustrated screams and soft sobs. His eyes had grown red, his cheeks wet. His hands had balled into fists and his knuckles had grown white with frustration.

Magnus held him closely, hardly able to make his voice heard over the sound of Alec’s cries. Alec scarcely ever cried. It alarmed Magnus.

“Alexander,” He said, which only seemed to make the situation worse. Watching him fall apart. He hated watching any of his lovers acknowledge the barrier of age, though Alec had always been different. “You’re only thirty! It’s only one. It’s not a big deal.”

Alec gasped a deep breath and said, in a forcibly composed voice. “Yes. It is, Magnus. How could you not see that?”

Magnus was alarmed by the amount of anger and pent-up frustration in his voice. He watched Alec furiously rub at his eyes. From far away, Magnus never would have noticed small details on Alec’s face, though up close he began to notice the smallest of things. 

There were delicate lines running against his eyes, which never failed to be a vibrant blue. His mouth had laugh lines pressed against the corners, and he saw the delicate silver strand of hair against the messy black. Regardless, he was the same Alexander.

“I love you,” Magnus said softly against his hair. “I love you, Alexander Lightwood and no age will ever change that. I just… Want to be with you.”

Alec sounded strained. “It’s going to change. Don’t lie to me. Please.”

Magnus shook his head, trying his best to keep his composure since Alec was falling apart again and he couldn’t handle crying as well. His chest felt tight, as though someone had bound it. Each breath was a struggle and his eyes were stinging, a pain behind his eyelids as he blinked away tears.

Alec’s composure was melted again. “Don’t act like it won’t change,” He said, his voice clogged. He began to cry again. “Because one day, I’m going to be fifty or sixty. And my hair will be white. And all these little lines on my face will be for everyone to see.”

“That won’t change how I feel.”

“Yes it will. And one day,” He paused for a shaky breath. “One day I’m going to be dead.”

“Don’t say that!” Magnus said, standing up abruptly and covering his ears. His makeup had smeared as he frantically wiped at his eyes. “I can’t do this again. Alec, please. No more.”

Alec shook his head and stood up as well. “I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about this because each grey hair and line on my face is a reminder. A fucking reminder that one day, I won’t be here and you will.”

“But we’re both here now,” Magnus whispered. He swallowed hard, and his chest burned. 

Alec looked up at him. “Can you make me a promise?”

Surprised, Magnus stepped closer. “Of course, Alexander. Anything.”

He wasn’t crying anymore. He looked just utterly lost and sad and beautiful. This. This was him in pieces.

“Please visit me when I’m gone. Please,” He nearly pleaded. He faced Magnus with a sense of desperation in his voice as he gripped his shirt.

The thought, though it pained Magnus, he tried not to dwell on it too much. “Of course, my love,” Magnus murmured in the smallest of voices. “Every day. Each birthday.”

Magnus came close to him and wrapped his arms around him, suddenly feeling small. He watched his boyfriend suck in a deep breath, yet again trying to keep his emotions under wraps. “I’m sorry,” Alec said finally. “I’m really sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, my love.”

Alec took his hand and lead him back to the bed. “I just want each second to matter.”

Magnus thumbed over his palm. “Each one does.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comment please!


End file.
